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Funny Stories


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13 replies to this topic

#1 yagupop

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Posted 11 February 2011 - 08:30 PM

Paul: You're welcome to stay with me overnight, but you'll have to make
your own bed.
Saul: That's no problem.
Paul: OK, here's a hammer and saw.
***************************
Did you hear about the guy who's in Leavenworth because he was making big
money?
Yep, about a third of an inch too big.
****************************************
A patient scheduled to undergo mouth surgery confided his most horrible
fears to a nurse. "Will I die? Will I be disfigured? I don't know what's
going to happen," he said to her.
"Don't worry," the pretty nurse said. "Your surgeon is a specialist and
you'll receive the best of care."
"You're right," the patient responded. "I'll probably laugh about my fears
after the surgery."
"Laugh?" the nurse scoffed. "With no lips?"

#2 yagupop

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Posted 22 May 2011 - 02:48 PM

Two old women decided to vacation at a Catskills mountain resort. "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible," commented Gladys after dinner the
first night.
Sylvia nodded in agreement. "Yeah, and such small portions, too."

#3 yagupop

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Posted 22 May 2011 - 02:48 PM

A dog walks into Western Union and asks the clerk to send a telegram. He
fills out a form on which he writes down the telegram he wishes to send:
"Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow."
The clerk says, "You can add another 'Bow wow' for the same price."
"But," the dog responded, "wouldn't that sound a little silly?"

#4 yagupop

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Posted 22 May 2011 - 02:49 PM

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Monkey see, monkey do.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.

#5 yagupop

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Posted 22 May 2011 - 02:50 PM

Following Thomson's physical, Dr. Munro sent his patient a bill. When a
month went by without a remittance, Dr. Munro sent another bill, and then
another, and then a fourth, but to no avail. Finally he sent Thomson a
pathetic letter, claiming desperately strained circumstances and enclosing
a shot of his infant daughter. On the back of the snapshot he wrote, "The
reason I need the money you owe me!"
Barely a week later a response from Thomson arrived in the mail. Munro
ripped it open eagerly, and found himself holding a picture of a gorgeous
woman in a mink coat. On the back of the photograph the patient had
scrawled, "The reason I can't pay!"

#6 yagupop

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Posted 22 May 2011 - 02:51 PM

"My daughter Lauren thinks money grows on trees," the overworked
businessman complained to his secretary one day. "Tonight she's getting a
talking-to that'll really get across the value of a dollar."
"How'd it go?" asked the secretary the next morning.
"Not so good," he admitted glumly. "Now the kid wants her allowance in
yen!"

#7 yagupop

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Posted 22 May 2011 - 02:51 PM

The nouveau-riche real-estate developer splurged on a Rolls-Royce Silver
Shadow and couldn't wait to show it off. So after a meeting with the bank,
he offered one of the senior officers a ride home. "Whaddaya think?" he
couldn't resist asking his passenger after a mile or two.
"Pretty classy, eh? I bet you've never ridden in one of these before."
"Actually, I have," replied the banker graciously, "but this is the first
time in the front seat."

#8 yagupop

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Posted 22 May 2011 - 02:52 PM

The slave driver of the Roman galleon leered down at his galley slaves and
bellowed, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you'll be getting double rations tonight!"
The murmuring of the surprised slaves as they struggled with their oars was
interrupted by the slave driver. "The bad news is that this afternoon the
commander's son wants to water-ski."

#9 yagupop

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Posted 22 May 2011 - 02:52 PM

A young lawyer on his first day on the job heard a knock on his door.
Wanting to impress his visitor, he picked up his phone before inviting the
guy in, then went through the motions of winding up a very important call
as the stranger stood in front of the desk.
Finally the lawyer looked up at his visitor and said, "What can I do for
you?"
The man replied, "I'm from the phone company and I'm here to hook up your
phone."

#10 yagupop

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Posted 07 August 2012 - 12:52 PM

MONEY
There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"

She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

"Yes," the wife said, "I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

#11 yagupop

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Posted 07 August 2012 - 12:55 PM


Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?


Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.


Dispatcher: Do you have an address?


Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?


Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.


Dispatcher: Excuse me?


Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.


Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?


Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!


Dispatcher: 911


Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.


Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?


Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.


Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?


Caller: No


Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?


Caller: Running from the Police.


Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?


Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.


Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.


Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one


Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.


Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.


Dispatcher: 911 What's the nature of your emergency?


Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart


Dispatcher: Is this her first child?


Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!


#12 yagupop

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Posted 07 August 2012 - 12:57 PM

Their Sons
These 4 pals go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.


"My son BIll," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."


The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "George is so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."


The third man's son, Albert, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.


As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.


"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Frank's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."


#13 Oldschool

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Posted 27 August 2012 - 08:15 AM

In the days when you couldn’t count on a public toilet facility, an English woman was planning a trip to India. She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for “Water Closet”.
She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about the WC. The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a “Wayside Chapel” near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds.
So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.
It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. We can take photos in different angle.
My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost! a year since she went last, which pains her greatly. You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time. I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.
The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.
With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster
The Woman fainted reading the reply…….. and she never visited India!!!!
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#14 yagupop

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Posted 28 August 2012 - 11:56 AM

Thank you))) I couldn't help laughing!